Reflection

Originally posted on 9/1/09

I have been meaning to do this for quite some time now but I always manage to put it off. I reflect over the past year often, that isn't the problem. The problem is putting eight months that were full of spiritual warfare, highs and lows, heartache and ultimate joy, death and everlasting life, community and personal growth into words is nearly impossible. The eight months I spent in Africa were some of the most difficult yet most impactful months of my life. I struggled at times and at times I never wanted to leave. It was a long journey but one well worth taking. I'm going to try to paint a better picture of my time in Africa for you so that you can see and glorify God for the work He has done and is doing.

Dan Rather said it well, "If all difficulties were known at the outset of a long journey, most of us would never start out at all." If I had known the trials that were to come when I set off for Africa, I can almost promise you I would not have gotten on that plane. I couldn't be more grateful that I did though...

The first two months were extremely difficult for me. I struggled to find my place on a team of 41 students and 14 leaders. I battled with culture shock. I was uncertain of my decision in leaving the life I knew. God was molding me more and more into His daughter, but it was a difficult and often painful process. I was learning about the identity I had claimed for years but never really understood. I was learning about my formulaic life and the areas where I had completely missed the whole point. There were days I had no idea what I was doing being in South Africa, but looking back I know God knew and was preparing me for His purpose. There were some dark days as I tried to work through all of these things, but those dark days ultimately made His light shine brighter. It took me seeing, and feeling, the lies and hurt of a broken identity to see, and feel, the beauty of truly being His beloved daughter. It took me seeing, and feeling, the loneliness to see, and feel, the loving embrace of community. It took me seeing, and feeling, the differences in the culture to see, and feel, the bond of Christ's love that overcomes all barriers. The first few months were a time of great growth and realization. There were many times I wondered if it was worth it but I can say with confidence that every bit of pain and every tear that came during those months were beyond worth it. I have been able to see myself more as God sees me and in that I have been able to see others more as God sees them. I have learned what His love looks likes through my leaders and teammates that never stopped pouring into me during those difficult times. They continually spoke Christ's love and truth into my life and as a result, I have been changed.

The difficulties didn't end after the first few months. However, I was a new creation with a new strength and confidence to deal with the trials to come. The next five months will forever be etched into my heart...

I lived in a house with nine other teammates and two leaders. They showed me Christ's love in daily, tangible ways. They showed me the Church at its finest form. They became far more than teammates and friends, they became my family. This family, this Church, forever changed my life. Sure, we fought at times and got on each other's nerves. However, those times don't come up when I think about our community. Instead, I think of the family fast we did or the nights of worship in the back room. I remember the countless times we would make cookie dough and sit in the living room eating it out of the bowl, never letting it make its way to the oven. I remember the nights sitting around the small table playing cards. I remember the days filled with sweet memories of ministry. I remember the times we spent in prayer together. I remember our Tuesday/Thursday lunches at the beach. I remember their names and their hearts like we were just together. I could go on forever but I will share more about them on the next blog. They are so important to this journey because they were what kept me going and what continued to challenge me.

The aspect that changed my heart the most during the last five months of the trip was the ministry. How do you define ministry? Well, in Africa you define ministry as love. Sometimes you have nothing else to offer but love. I don't want to downplay that though because that is the need. The need is love. The need is Christ and Christ is love. Just as I needed to hear it, see it, and feel it the first semester of the trip I needed to give it out unconditionally for others to hear it, see it, and feel it the second semester. I couldn't give what I didn't clearly know. Sure I knew love before this trip but by no means is it in the way I know it now. God gave me those first few months to change my view on love and to feel it in a new way and He gave me those next five months to pour that same love out onto the community of JBay.
I could tell you countless stories of situations most would consider hopeless. I could tell you numerous situations where I remember my heart breaking. My heart literally hurt for the people of Jeffreys Bay. My heart still hurts for the people of Jeffreys Bay. But I promise you there is hope. There is hope, there is hope, there is hope! You see it at Ithemba in the kids who come daily that desire to learn more about God. You see it in the ladies that continue to take in more children than they have room or money for because they know what will happen to them if they don't. You see it in the women speaking out about their abusive boyfriends. You see it in the women choosing to spend time studying God's word. You see it all around if your eyes are open to it. I saw it in my children. I saw it in the bible study we did as they began to really ask questions and think about the things we talked about. I saw it in my students as they took leadership within Ithemba and cared for the younger kids. I saw it in a specific student that was eager to learn new things in order to better his chances of breaking the hold of poverty. There is hope, there is hope, there is hope! There are people in Jeffreys Bay that are changing the world. They are living out their calling of making disciples, caring for the orphans and looking after the widows. Their faith shown daily through their actions greatly challenged me and continues to do so. They have changed my life. I go to sleep often thinking about them and praying for them. I dream about my kids and the men and women they will become. I miss them and long to see them again because they are Christ. They are Christ to each other and they are Christ to the dying community around them. They are "the least of these" that seem to offer more and more of themselves and everything that they have. My life will never be the same because of the kids God gave me time to spend with. Alelutho, Shawn, Candi, Jeidre, Lompi, Caitlyn, Marayna, Laikin: These children all have a portion of my heart and these only name a few. Then there are the ladies that work at Ithemba: Lusanda, Queen, and Nomsa. I love these women far more than words can express. Especially Nomsa, as I got to spend hours with her daily. Nomsa is a dear friend that continues to capture my heart through every conversation. This woman is so in love with Jesus and so crazy that you can't help but love her. I wish each one of you could meet her, you would forever be changed.

These are the joys that came with second semester but I would be kidding myself if I said it was all good and easy after the first few months. There were many trials that came: from being mugged, experiencing the joy of being pepper sprayed, letting a best friend leave, to the hardest of all: the loss of a dear friend, Sarah Buller. When asked what had the most impact on me during my time in Africa, my answer is always Buller. She was one of my roommates first semester and we shared many sweet times together. Sarah is love. Sarah is joy. Sarah was an amazing friend and an amazing warrior for Christ. It would take me pages upon pages to try to describe her adequately. She had such a huge impact on our team, Jeffreys Bay, and Port Elizabeth. She knew her purpose and she was living it out daily. On April 5^th, Sarah Buller was killed in a car accident. April 5^th forever changed mine, and my teammates, lives. We lost far more than a teammate; we lost a dear friend and sister in Christ. We struggled to understand why this would happen. It was a long, difficult struggle but our answer was Christ. It was the only answer. It was all Sarah was living for, so her death ultimately led us closer to Him. It was harder than words will ever do justice. There were many tears, and continue to be even now. But the beauty of it all is that there is no power in death. Satan had no power in Sarah's death. Sarah is now exactly where she desired to be most: praising her Heavenly Father, the King of kings and Lord of lords. Christ has victory in all situations and we saw that clearly in Buller's death. I will never forget the difference she made on Jeffreys Bay for Him and I will never forget the difference she made in my life, pushing me closer and closer to Christ.

Difficulties will come. They will often seem like barriers that are too tall to climb. Don't shrink in fear of the trials, for that is where the most growth happens. That is where your faith becomes real. That is where the power of Christ is evident. There is hope, there is hope, there is hope. There is hope in death. There is hope for the life that seems to difficult to live. There is hope for the children who are going to bed without having eaten a meal tonight. There is hope for the American going to bed over indulged and living a life outside of God's will. There is hope, there is hope, there is hope.

God wrecked me this year. He wrecked my life for the ordinary. He ruined the picture I had in my head of what my life was supposed to look like. And to be honest, it was one of the hardest years of my life. But I would never change it. It's been a struggle being back home and trying to find my place here. There have been many days where I didn't want to face life in America. God is slowly, yet continually, showing me small glimpses of His plan for my life. I'm excited to say that this year in Africa was only the beginning of the plans He has for me. I don't know details of what is to come but I know that I serve a mighty God whose heart is for His hurting people. My heart is to be His hands and feet to those hurting people: to love them unconditionally like He has done for me. I'm seeking out where He would have me do that but as I wait on His voice and timing; I'm starting where He has me now. This is my life: it's a rollercoaster but our God is never-changing. He is the same God yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is the God of hope. Because of Him there is hope, there is hope, there is hope! Never forget it.